I'm Diving In..

Well, I gave my two weeks notice at Crosspoint Fellowship today. If you haven't heard, don't feel left out...I didn't tell anyone on purpose! I am really, really seeking God and his will for my life right now and didn't want anyone's opinion.
While I was pregnant with Lorelai, I just knew that God wanted me to be a stay at home mom. When this opportunity at the church came up, I thought- Great! What an awesome way to make a little money and work one day a week and work from home! How could I ask for anything more??? Well...I should've known what was going to happen. I really, really don't adapt well to change. Before Lorelai, apparently I knew nothing about myself- I would've told you I'm an easy-going, go-with-the-flow kinda gal. I would've been unintentionally lying to you. I have learned so much about myself and who I want to be over the past year it is amazing. I now know I am high strung. I do not do well with change. I am creative. I am capricous. I can really only devote myself to one thing at a time, and if it's not God, he's pushed to the back burner with everything else. But, the one thing I am devoting myself to gets ALL of me. I do nothing half-heartedly, and that usually means a whole lot of nothing is getting done!
I have really been put through God's refining fire this year. I am ready to be putty in his hands, and to give myself- ALL of myself- to him to do what he will with me.
We were singing a song at church Sunday that says "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all" and knew right then, I was ready (or should I say "ready again!" Please dont be confused and think I don't truly know where I always should be with God. I'm just not always there!). I truly was standing with arms high and heart abandoned.
SO, what does this have to do with Crosspoint? I am going back to the last time I heard God's direction....to be at home. My true, selfish (and yet, unselfish) desire is to stay at home as long as I have a kid there, but the truth is that we truly cannot afford it. I have been crying out to God that if home is where he wants me to be, he is going to have to hit me and Shawn both over the head with it. I am almost always ready to leap out into the deep water knowing God will save me, while Shawn is on the shore with his head on straight saying, "HELLO! Will you make sure God is calling you out into this shark-infested sea FIRST???"
Please join us in our prayers over where I am to be. I feel God's peace but am also anxious to hear his direction and constantly worried that I am missing some HUGE road signs he's putting in my path.