Monday, August 13, 2012

Because I Don't Want to Forget...

This pregnancy has not been simple. It has been rough. And complicated. And I don't want to forget everything I have felt and been through.
First, Shawn wanted to wait a while before we announced it, which...just doesn't happen for me. I hate secrets. I want to shout it out when something good happens. Shawn likes to keep it "just for us" for a while. I complied. He's a part of this too, I guess :)
Secondly, I have been SICK. I think more sick than usual. On average I throw up once or twice a day (and dry heave a lot more than that. Sorry for the's my blog, I can complain if I want.) :) Lorelai has been my saving grace, getting me water when I need it, entertaining Charlotte, and snuggling with me constantly. Periodically through out the day, she'll come up to me, look at me so sympathetically, brush my hair out of my face and say, "Oh honey, I know you feel really sick, but you'll be better soon." Shawn has cooked dinner every night without complaining and is handling everything like a trooper.
Onto the hard part.
Back around 7 weeks (to the day, actually) on a Sunday, I had some unusual bleeding. Unusual, because you aren't suppose to bleed when you're pregnant. It's one of the perks. :)
It wasn't a lot, and I had spotted a little with my other pregnancies, so while I was concerned because it was more than I was use to, I wasn't panicked. I called my midwife, she said it was normal and to just monitor it. Most likely, it meant nothing.
So, I waited. It was the same for about two days. I was calm. I got use to it. Then, Tuesday night, it picked up. I mean, PICKED UP. For the sake of not getting too graphic, just know it was NOT normal. This time, I panicked. I had previously made up my mind that as long as my spotting stayed low key, it was nothing... if it changed, I would know it was a miscarriage.
I called my midwife again, crying this time, and she was cautious. She said she had seen women bleed excessively go on to have a completely healthy, normal pregnancy. But....that was the exception. She said (once again, cautiously) it was likely a miscarriage based on what I was describing, and to expect the bleeding to pick up and to have serious cramping that night. I made an appointment for the next morning to confirm there was no heartbeat and to see what needed to happen next.
I was devastated. I've never experienced a miscarriage before. My heart was broken. I didn't know how we'd tell Lorelai. I was only 7 weeks, but you can do a whole lifetime worth of planning in those few short weeks. Your whole future shifts when you get a positive test. And yes, I was even selfishly a little upset that I had been sick and miserable with no baby to show for it. I had just bought a maternity bridesmaid dress for Rachel's wedding in December. Another reminder there would be no baby bump. I was saying goodbye to this little life. I didn't think I would see it this side of Heaven. I know what this life can look like, and I know that we are not always spared from pain. I cried a lot, then I took something to help me sleep and went to bed expecting to wake up all throughout the night.
The next morning, I woke up and got ready for my appointment. I didn't have the cramping or heavy bleeding overnight, so I was extra grumpy that I would have to have a D&C. A few people told me that could be a good sign, that maybe I wasn't miscarrying. It made me grumpier that they wanted me to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed again.
Shawn and I made it to my appointment, and since we were worked into the schedule, had to wait about two hours. Longest two hours of my life. One of the sweet midwives (and the most motherly- God knew who I needed) Theodora came in and got the ultrasound machine ready. She sympathized with me. She moved the ultrasound screen to where I could see it and searched for what seemed like forever. I was only 7 1/2 weeks, remember...not always so easy to spot the baby fast, and she told me that before she got started.
Then, we found it. For what seemed (once again) like forever, she scanned it, not seeing any movement. Then...a heartbeat. She and I saw it at the same time. I can't describe what a sweet sight it was. It was so beautiful. I totally lost it (this may or may not have been the first time I have ever cried when seeing a heartbeat on an ultrasound...). Theodora said the heart beat was strong and fast and that this was a healthy baby. She took the ultrasound picture to the sonographer, who said I didn't need to come back for a whole week. This baby looked GOOD.
We took our sweet little picture home, praised God, and I cried some more. Shawn said he knew it. I assured him that we were the exception.
We went back a week later, and this sweet baby was growing perfectly and even waved it's nubby little arm at us frantically. ("I'm okay in here!!") So, we begin planning again....wondering if it's a boy or a girl. Praising God.
A couple of verses have really been my rock this pregnancy. One to remind me that God is merciful. And one to get me through the sickness :)
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion" says my soul. Therefore I will hope in Him." Lamentations 3:22-24 (not sure what version this's the "song" version :)
"...Should we accept only good from God, and not adversity?..." Job 2:10
This is our little miracle baby. Shawn and I have talked before....wondering if we take our pregnancies for granted because we have no problem getting pregnant. We wanted to remember it's something sacred, and not be flippant about it. Prayer answered.
And now, for cuteness sake, a video of when we told Lorelai we were pregnant. (Sidenote: we were cleaning out our van for San Diego...we don't normally just hang out in there :)
And yes, her first response IS "I would be grateful if it is a boy!"