Monday, August 13, 2012

Because I Don't Want to Forget...

This pregnancy has not been simple. It has been rough. And complicated. And I don't want to forget everything I have felt and been through.
First, Shawn wanted to wait a while before we announced it, which...just doesn't happen for me. I hate secrets. I want to shout it out when something good happens. Shawn likes to keep it "just for us" for a while. I complied. He's a part of this too, I guess :)
Secondly, I have been SICK. I think more sick than usual. On average I throw up once or twice a day (and dry heave a lot more than that. Sorry for the's my blog, I can complain if I want.) :) Lorelai has been my saving grace, getting me water when I need it, entertaining Charlotte, and snuggling with me constantly. Periodically through out the day, she'll come up to me, look at me so sympathetically, brush my hair out of my face and say, "Oh honey, I know you feel really sick, but you'll be better soon." Shawn has cooked dinner every night without complaining and is handling everything like a trooper.
Onto the hard part.
Back around 7 weeks (to the day, actually) on a Sunday, I had some unusual bleeding. Unusual, because you aren't suppose to bleed when you're pregnant. It's one of the perks. :)
It wasn't a lot, and I had spotted a little with my other pregnancies, so while I was concerned because it was more than I was use to, I wasn't panicked. I called my midwife, she said it was normal and to just monitor it. Most likely, it meant nothing.
So, I waited. It was the same for about two days. I was calm. I got use to it. Then, Tuesday night, it picked up. I mean, PICKED UP. For the sake of not getting too graphic, just know it was NOT normal. This time, I panicked. I had previously made up my mind that as long as my spotting stayed low key, it was nothing... if it changed, I would know it was a miscarriage.
I called my midwife again, crying this time, and she was cautious. She said she had seen women bleed excessively go on to have a completely healthy, normal pregnancy. But....that was the exception. She said (once again, cautiously) it was likely a miscarriage based on what I was describing, and to expect the bleeding to pick up and to have serious cramping that night. I made an appointment for the next morning to confirm there was no heartbeat and to see what needed to happen next.
I was devastated. I've never experienced a miscarriage before. My heart was broken. I didn't know how we'd tell Lorelai. I was only 7 weeks, but you can do a whole lifetime worth of planning in those few short weeks. Your whole future shifts when you get a positive test. And yes, I was even selfishly a little upset that I had been sick and miserable with no baby to show for it. I had just bought a maternity bridesmaid dress for Rachel's wedding in December. Another reminder there would be no baby bump. I was saying goodbye to this little life. I didn't think I would see it this side of Heaven. I know what this life can look like, and I know that we are not always spared from pain. I cried a lot, then I took something to help me sleep and went to bed expecting to wake up all throughout the night.
The next morning, I woke up and got ready for my appointment. I didn't have the cramping or heavy bleeding overnight, so I was extra grumpy that I would have to have a D&C. A few people told me that could be a good sign, that maybe I wasn't miscarrying. It made me grumpier that they wanted me to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed again.
Shawn and I made it to my appointment, and since we were worked into the schedule, had to wait about two hours. Longest two hours of my life. One of the sweet midwives (and the most motherly- God knew who I needed) Theodora came in and got the ultrasound machine ready. She sympathized with me. She moved the ultrasound screen to where I could see it and searched for what seemed like forever. I was only 7 1/2 weeks, remember...not always so easy to spot the baby fast, and she told me that before she got started.
Then, we found it. For what seemed (once again) like forever, she scanned it, not seeing any movement. Then...a heartbeat. She and I saw it at the same time. I can't describe what a sweet sight it was. It was so beautiful. I totally lost it (this may or may not have been the first time I have ever cried when seeing a heartbeat on an ultrasound...). Theodora said the heart beat was strong and fast and that this was a healthy baby. She took the ultrasound picture to the sonographer, who said I didn't need to come back for a whole week. This baby looked GOOD.
We took our sweet little picture home, praised God, and I cried some more. Shawn said he knew it. I assured him that we were the exception.
We went back a week later, and this sweet baby was growing perfectly and even waved it's nubby little arm at us frantically. ("I'm okay in here!!") So, we begin planning again....wondering if it's a boy or a girl. Praising God.
A couple of verses have really been my rock this pregnancy. One to remind me that God is merciful. And one to get me through the sickness :)
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion" says my soul. Therefore I will hope in Him." Lamentations 3:22-24 (not sure what version this's the "song" version :)
"...Should we accept only good from God, and not adversity?..." Job 2:10
This is our little miracle baby. Shawn and I have talked before....wondering if we take our pregnancies for granted because we have no problem getting pregnant. We wanted to remember it's something sacred, and not be flippant about it. Prayer answered.
And now, for cuteness sake, a video of when we told Lorelai we were pregnant. (Sidenote: we were cleaning out our van for San Diego...we don't normally just hang out in there :)
And yes, her first response IS "I would be grateful if it is a boy!"

Monday, July 30, 2012

July, 2012. In Words Only.

Warning: no pictures :) I just wanted to write these things down before I forget to...

It is HOT outside, and every day I dream about the fall...about being able to walk outside and not immediately break into a sweat. About wearing long sleeves and drinking hot coffee. About not always being irritated when my kids want to go outside (Poor children. someday, you'll understand. Or be forever scarred and vow to treat your children differently. Whatever works for you.) Despite being shut-ins, the children are doing beautifully. Here's the break down:
Whatever sweet, kissy stage you were in the last time I wrote a post, you are SO out of now. You are a STINKER. Might be because you have 6 teeth coming in (four of them being molars- OUCH), but either way, you only kiss me if I am pretending to be asleep, or if you are just struck with loving feelings. You will, however, kiss your sister (whom you have named "Yi Yi" because you can't say "Lorelai") and Berkdog any chance you get. You make me laugh every day. You sit there and smack your lips at me if I'm eating something you want, and then sit there with your head up and mouth open like a birdie until I feed you. When you are "punished", you raise your arms up to me and squeeze me so tight when I pick you up. When you are mad, you SCREAM until I look at you and then scream some more. This, I don't love so much. But it is still pretty funny :) 
You have a list going of words you can say, but good grief you refuse to say them on command. And you don't speak very often, which I think is kind of odd since you are such a spunky little thing. Here's what we've heard you say more than once, and therefore count it as part of your regular vocabulary: Berkdog (Burt Dog!), Yi Yi (Lorelai), Momma, DaDa, Hi, Bye, Sit down! (to berkdog. poor dog. remind me to buy him extra treats during toddler years.), ball, more, all done, and eye (you also poke eyes. this isn't so nice.)
Oh, my darling, you are balancing out your sister perfectly. You will give me an abundance of kisses, hugs, snuggles....whatever I need, you give. You help your sister, you get me water when I need it, you can make your own PB&J and love to help scrub the dishes after dinner. You still often think you know better than me and daddy-o and are learning to obey even when your strong opinion disagrees. It's all a process, and I love who you are becoming.
Mother and Daddy-O:
Shawn and I got to go to San Diego this past month and had a great time, although I missed those little girlies every single day. We managed to have fun (even though it was comic con), and I have a few lingering thoughts since our trip. 
1. Why, oh why, did God create West Texas? It is horrible to drive through, and I vow to NEVER do it again.  Good grief. Every time I see a commercial that looks like the desert, I start feeling panicky. Kinda like how no one wanted to drive long distances for a year after evacuating for Rita. That level of panic.
2. I am so intrigued by all of the random RV communities in the middle of the desert. I want to go and spend a month there and get to know these people. They have GOT to be interesting. I think about it all the time still. What do they DO all day? Are they all best friends? Do they all think they see UFO's? Do we need to make a break for it to them when the zombie apocalypse hits? 
3. Oh, how I miss the fish tacos in San Diego.
4. Although the 70 degree weather was a beautiful break, I think I'd rather my summers stay at around a nice 88. 70...a little too cold for my taste (while at lunch in La Jolla, the waitress had to bring me a blanket because I was noticeably shivering. Don't worry Texas, I know how to represent.) And, obviously, 90's-100's is MUCH too unbearable.
5. I shouldn't leave my children for more than 4 days. 5 Maximum. It's just too much for a mommy to take. And after being gone that long, I'm likely to be exhausted when I get back, which makes it hard to readjust to real life.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It is May, 2012...

And, okay okay, I'm feeling guilty. My sister- who has always been the more "structured" or "disciplined" one (She's a teacher. Need I say more?) has done such an amazing job documenting my nephew every month, that I am starting to fear the backlash of bitterness coming from my children.
SO, here's what is happening in OUR lives right now :)
Walking- no, RUNNING- everywhere! You started at about 14 months to really get walking, but you are so busy all the time! I can barely keep up!
You have four teeth on top and two on bottom, but I think your one year molars are coming through. You have been captain cranky pants lately and waking up every other night.
Your favorite word is "Dada!", but you love to point at what you want over and OVER again and say "dis!" (this) or "dat!" (that) until we give you what you want. You also call your sister "Yi Yi" and although you can say "mama", you never do! We have also heard "YahYuh" (Granna) a few times.
Your favorite game is to run up to me (or whoever you choose to play), point at that person, and yell "DAAAAA!" with a huge grin. It's the cutest. Ever.
When you kiss now, you actually make a pucker sound!
When your sister is sad, you crawl in her bed beside her and kiss her over and over and hug her until she hugs you back.
You have finally decided (although you have backed off a little) that you love to kiss ME! If you aren't in the mood to give me a kiss, I pretend that I'm sad and fake-cry, and you take my face in your hands and give me a big kiss! So what if it's manipulative :)
Your eating habits are a little crazy. You consistently love bananas, but you also consistently love to throw all of your food on the ground. Needless to say, this is a trying age for me.
You are really- and I mean REALLY- testing your boundaries. I tell you no, you do it again. And again. And again. Despite consistently disciplining you, you really enjoying sticking just one toe over the line. The other day, you walked over to daddy's DVD collection (which you know for sure you aren't allowed to touch), put ONE finger on a DVD, looked at me, and gave me a wide-eyed-open-mouthed "What are you going to do about THIS?!" face.
You are finishing PreK3 tomorrow. You and Harper have loved being in Mrs. Symms class together, and my, oh my, how your life is flying right by me. I am so looking forward to this summer, when the days will feel like they are dragging by and sometimes I will wish for an escape, and other days I will just watch you play and soak it all up.
You are such a loving, sweet, encouraging girl. You often say to me "Mom, that dinner was SO good! Thank you SO much for making it for me!", "I love you so much", "You're just a big sweetheart!" and other various hilarious phrases.
You are also at that point in your little life where you are starting to rely on your own reasoning instead of the behavior you know we want from you. I know there are often times where you know what you should do, and think to yourself "I'm going to do this just doesn't know this important piece of information. If she did, she would surely say yes!"
I love being your friend. I am trying so hard to listen to your heart and know why you are doing is so hard, because first and foremost we demand obedience, but I know that if we don't keep up our relationship, you will stop listening. You are usually your daddy's sidekick on the weekend, but with Charlotte getting older, I usually get to steal you for an outing here and there.
Speaking of being your daddy's sidekick, you love going to the comic book store with him on Saturdays. It's a very special (and super geeky) time that you have together. You love your "Daddy-O"!
You are super smart. You are starting to sound out words, you can figure out what letter words start with, you can do a lot of basic math, you have a few bible verses memorized (although I could probably do a better job of teaching you more...).
You are a fantastic big sister. You are always so proud of your "Little Birdie", and love telling people "This is my little sister, Charlotte. But we actually call her "Birdie"." When you are sad, you love to snuggle with her, and it's the sweetest thing ever.
You had your first sleepover with Harper last month...when you have your own children, I want you to remember that you didn't fall asleep until THREE A.M. Poor Harper was a zombie, and you were hyper and crazy until you pretty much fell right over. You were in bed from about 11pm-3am, just getting up long enough to ask for something or until you were told to go back to sleep. But, you two had so much fun, and I remember how special it feels to have a sleepover, so maybe we can have another one. Before you leave for college.
You also love all critters right now. You are always chasing lizards in out back yard, or making june bugs little homes (rock piles).
Okay! I think that's everything I want you to know as of right now! Here are some pictures. :)

 Lorelai and Ava
 Gorgeous girl!
 Little curls!
 Lorelai: friend to all frogs, lizards, and june bugs.
 Birdie hanging out while we garden!
 Wildflower pictures in May...
 At the rodeo with Auntie Rae Rae, Auntie L, Granna and Mother to see Reba! Big enough to have fun with the other big girls! Yay! It was a little rainy that night....
 Eating cotton candy, of course!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Catch up. Story of my life.

So, it's been a while. I think it would be safe to say that I am not so good at consistently updating this blog, and I'm really only doing it now because my mom requested it. :)
I'm going to blame the past year of blog-neglect on Charlotte. It was about March last year that she developed reflux and rocked our world... there wasn't much time to do anything except drink coffee and hold a crying baby, so that's what life became for a little while. After that, I had just gotten so out of the habit that I didn't even think to update it!
But, here I am! I am starting to realize in all things documentary of my children (baby books, picture taking, blogging, etc.), it is better to start late than to never start at all!
Some fun facts: Charlotte is one now, and still has her scar on her ankle from her IV burn. We call her "Charlie Bird", "Bird", "Birdie", and sometimes...just sometimes...."Charlotte".
Lorelai is a fantastic big sister. She loves playing with Charlotte, and Charlotte is completely smitten with her. I both love it and am slightly jealous...I want some of that love! :)
I think it is also important to note that Shawn and I both lost quite a bit of weight this year, so we progressively shrink as the year goes on.
Here are a few pictures that I am willing to wait to upload to slightly represent our past year...
Weston Henry Kidd was born March 26, 2011 weighing 8lbs 6oz and 20in long. He is our favorite and most loved little chubby boy, and we kiss and love him as much as he lets us. Leslie did a great job and, just to add a little drama, passed out shortly after giving birth.
We picked strawberries at Frobergs...

Our sweet Grandma Little went to be with Jesus. I'm so glad we have this picture of her and Charlotte at Kim and Scott's wedding. She said she and Charlotte had a special connection, and she loved holding her (which was right in the middle of her reflux period, so I was more than happy for her to take her!) She was the matriarch of the Little family, and her presence is missed dearly. I have no doubt the celebrations going on in heaven are much more lively with her there!
Lorelai took a ballet class with her BFF's, Harper and Tilly...
I got loved on by two sweet of whom has bluish gray eyes!
Charlotte got all fancied up in a tutu for pictures..
We went to Sea World San Antonio...
And Busch Gardens, where Lorelai rode her first roller coaster...
and Universal Studios Florida, but best of all....DISNEY WORLD!
We dined with the princesses in Cinderella's castle...
Lorelai rode Tower of Terror TWICE, and loved it!!
and had an amazing time!
We went to the pumpkin patch...
We had family photos taken (by our talented friend, Lindsay!)
Lorelai turned FOUR and had a Pajamas in the Park party with donuts and chocolate milk...
and Christmas came and went...
Whew! That about sums up 2011. Yes, I realize it is March of 2012.
What do you want from me, people. I make no promises, but you might see another post from me before March 2013!